Postpartum Check In

Today is postpartum day 20. Every single day I have someone asking me "How are you feeling? How are you coping? Are you having postpartum depression?" I am going to answer in all honesty, because I owe it to others to know how my journey really ended. I have had ZERO postpartum break downs. With my own children I have to put up a good fight against the baby blues. I'm emotionally a mess, can't go a day without crying, and just have a hard time coping with motherhood. It's raw, it's not pretty, and I cannot control it. My hormones mixed with having a new person to take care of, sleepless nights and feeling like a dairy cow just do not mix well. After giving birth to Ana I was literally waiting for the crazy to flow. Like clockwork, after I brought my own babies home from the hospital I would immediately take a shower where I would cry my eyes out for a good hour. After coming home from delivering Ana, I stood there in anticipation of the flood. Nothing. Okay, maybe it would take a few days for the sadness to kick in. Nope, nothing. Every day I would question if I was a good person for dealing so well with something that seems so sad. Ana and I are no longer one person. I went through months of emotional preparation for this moment. I knew who I would call and sob to if needed, but I wasn't needing it. This may not seem like a big deal to people who do not know me personally, but I am an emotional and highly sentimental person. I still cry when watching Disney movies.

I think what has gotten me through this stage in the process are these three things:
1) Reminding myself daily that I helped create a family. Plain and simple. Sam and Ben now have their daughter. This is their moment, and my time to shine is over. Ana is the star now :) Seeing her parents absolutely obsess over her is the best. She is so loved.
2) I have been blessed to still have contact with them and see them as I recover. Sam and Ben are still local, and will be for the next few weeks. I've been able to snuggle on Ana and physically feel her little spirit. If I was not able to spend as much time with her after her birth as I have, I think I would be coping differently.
3) I have my life back. And not in a "they were cramping my style" kind of way at all, but more in the sense that I have my body back. I have my brain back. I have my "normal" life back. I'm not focused on calendars and science anymore. I'm able to focus on where my kids are in their life right now in this moment and get back to resuming a normal marriage with Timothy. He didn't complain one time, and I cannot thank him enough for helping me have an amazing journey.

So what now?
Well... I've completed my application to become a second time surrogate. Yep, I'm coming back this year for round two. I'm taking my time to recover and enjoy this season of my life, but I am definitely going to be a surrogate again. Will I blog about it again? We will see ;)

First Appointment and Dad's Arrival!

As promised, I wanted to keep everyone filled in on what went on at Ana's first doctor appointment and Ben's arrival.

Originally, Ana's first doctor's appointment was suppose to occur on the Monday after her birth. However, upon our lengthy discharge from the hospital, they would only release us with an appointment to see the pediatrician the very next day due to her jaundice level. Luckily I referred Sam to my children's pediatrician, who is very thorough, yet laid back when it comes to non-emergent issues so she still allowed us to go home. The nurses said any other doctor would have made her stay for observation. Ridiculous. Her levels were just above the normal levels. Anyways, at her appointment she weighed in at 6 pounds 2 ounces, and looked perfect to the doctor. What a relief!

That night, on Friday, Ben was to arrive! Yay!! Poor Sam had not seen him since she came in early December, and since then had been caring for their baby girl without him. We packed Sam and Ana up in our truck and took them to their rental home. A gracious friend of a family friend let them rent their beach vacation home at a crazy discounted rate. What a blessing. Ben landed at LAX at 1pm but had to get through customs and get his rental car at 4pm. By the time he arrived, it was close to 8pm. It was the cutest thing watching him be reunited with Sam. We didn't want to impede on their first moments with Ana, so Tim, the kids and I stayed in the kitchen. We didn't stay very long because we wanted them to have as much time alone as possible. We packed up our kids and headed back home, which is about an hour away. It was the first time in over a month that we didn't have Sam with us and I wasn't pregnant with their daughter anymore. It was bittersweet. It was just the 4 of us again for the first time since last April. :)

I'm writing this blog post from their rental home. We are spending the weekend with Sam, Ben, and Ana. It's so special that we get to spend time with them before they head back to Paris next month. Plus, I get to take pictures of Ana for everyone to keep forever. I can't wait to finish up her shoot!

The First 48

As promised, I will fill you in on what happened in the 48 hours following baby Ana's birth. Everyone knows that those first few days after a baby's birth are the most chaotic and exciting time. Since Ben was not here yet, Timothy and I wanted to make sure that Sam had support. I could not image being in a country where I don't speak the language, without my husband, and being handed a brand new baby. Can you? It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

Sleeping angel, Ana

The day before I gave birth there was a full moon, so of course the recovery wing of the hospital was
packed with moms and their full moon babies. Normally you are moved into the recovery wing 1-2 hours post delivery, but we were not placed into recovery until almost 10:30pm! But luckily we had a few visitors to help the time pass. Sam informed me that in France a nurse would stay with the parents to help show them how to care for the baby and just provide another set of helping hands. She learned quickly that here in America it is quite different. As soon as the baby is born and vitals are checked, they leave you alone. Sam and I were now co-parenting for the night :) I remember dosing in and out of sleep because Ana had been asleep since birth. Finally around midnight I woke up to find Sam in a haze and looking like she needed some much needed sleep. I offered to take Ana for her so she could take a nap. That first night trying to find a routine of feedings, changing, and swaddling was a challenge, but because I have done this twice before, I feel like I was able to provide Sam with some helpful tips and support.

My husband Timothy and baby Ana

The day following her birth seemed like it lasted forever! My doctor came bright and early to tell me that I was able to go home as soon as I wanted to! This was exciting because I wanted to get home to my kiddos. I missed them terribly. I just had to wait for Ana to be released as well. The ladies from my surrogacy agency came to visit while Sam filled out the Birth Certificate paperwork. I was relieved because I didn't want to make any mistakes. They were so sweet and brought me a green smoothie and Origami Owl necklace that says "Surro Mom." The whole day we were waiting Ana's discharge. Around noon the doctor gave her clearance to go, yet the nurses took until 8:45pm to release us! You can imagine our impatience to get out. To pass the time we snuggled Ana and mumbled curse words under our breath ;)

When we got home we sent Sam to shower since she was still in the same clothes she had on for the last 36 hours. Every new mom deserves a nice long postpartum shower, and I had already gotten one at the hospital earlier that day. It was now her turn. Me, Ana, and my children (Paisleigh and Ezra) snuggled up in my bed in the meantime. It was really special for my kids to spend this time with Ana since they had been hearing about her for the past year and seeing my belly grow. My daughter was so sweet and actually said to me "Mom, I love Ana so much. I'm happy she is Sam's baby now." Months of prepping her to give Ana back to Sam had paid off :)

My daughter, Paisleigh, and baby Ana

That night, I finally got to sleep in m own bed, on my belly! I am a stomach sleeper so I had not slept on my stomach for the past 6+ months. It was heavenly. I woke up around midnight to the whispering sound of "Kailey, Kailey, help." Poor Sam. She looked frazzled, exhausted, and in need of my help. Ana was hungry and tired, but she wasn't sure how to put it all together. I showed Sam that if she put music on her iPad, changed Ana's diaper, fed her, and then swaddled her before rocking her to sleep, that everything would go smoothly. I did this round for her so she could get some sleep. After Ana fell asleep I laid her down. I woke up to her crying one more time that night, but that was it. Sam said she followed that routine and Ana slept soundly after! So happy she finally starting finding her groove.

Stay tuned for Ana's first appointment and Ben's arrival on my next post!...

Week 38 - She's here!!!

Well everyone, I didn't have a chance to take my 38 week picture because baby Ana made her grand appearance on Wednesday, January 7th! I woke up with what I thought was amniotic fluid leaking but wasn't sure because it was small amounts. Just after 9am there was a significant gush! Yep, my water definitely broke. This experience was crazy because I have never had my water break outside of the hospital! We immediately went to the hospital to check in and make sure everything was looking good. We arrived and got settled in at about 10am - I was at 3cm at this point. Of course after 3 weeks of prodromal labor, my contractions completely stopped. My doctor gave me until noon to go into labor otherwise they would have to start pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic version of Oxytocin which is the hormone that is released in your body to get contractions started. I walked the hospital and bounced on my birthing ball for 2 hours without any luck. I have had a pitocin induced labor before with my daughter and it is not fun! Finally at noon the pitocin was administered and things began to progress. Every 20 minutes they would increase the amount of pitocin which would increase the intensity of the contractions and put them closer together. At

4:15pm I asked for the epidural. They checked my cervix again and I was only at 4cm. I was discouraged but I knew that my body goes from 6cm to 10cm within minutes, no joke. At 4:45pm My epidural was in and they had to check my again, I was now at 6cm. Everyone around me was saying it would be just a few hours now. Not me, I knew it was coming, but was not aware of how fast! Just as soon as my legs were getting numb, I began to feel as if she was trying to break the right side of my pelvic bone. I could not catch my breath or even speak. The nurse came to check me at 5:05pm and the baby's head was right there! She was coming. My doctor was called and sped to the hospital, just in time to catch her after two pushes at 5:16pm! It was fast, intense, but the most amazing rush ever! The look on Sam's face was beyond words. This little 6lbs bundle looked nothing like my children. She looked just like her daddy. No feeling of baby fever or sadness even came across my mind. Sam finally had the moment that I had been waiting for for this past year. My amazing husband captured everything with my camera and took some unbelievable pictures for them to keep since Ben unfortunately missed her birth.

Once I have time to sit and decompress I will fill you in on what happened the nights that followed her birth!

Week 37

Here we are, nearing the finish line! Since my last post, Christmas and New Years have past. It has been such an event filled week and a half. Between the excitement and chaos of the holidays with family, I was also very sick with a terrible cold and we took Sam camping. She was expecting tent camping, but nooooo, we camp in a trailer. She was pleasantly surprised and it was a blast. I'm so thankful that Sam has been here to experience all of this with us. She also brought the snow with her from Paris! I remember back in February that I mentioned that she brought an amazing amount of rain, and now it snowed for the first time 10 years on New Years Eve with her here! Coincidence? I think not! My kids have never experienced snow at home, so it was a special treat for them.

Now that my prodromal labor has kicked in, and we are 10 days from my induction date, things are starting to get real. Ben is on stand by at home, but will be here in a week if nothing has happened by then. So far I am 2cm dilated and 80% effaced so it's just a waiting game for Baby A to make her grand entrance!