Postpartum Check In

Today is postpartum day 20. Every single day I have someone asking me "How are you feeling? How are you coping? Are you having postpartum depression?" I am going to answer in all honesty, because I owe it to others to know how my journey really ended. I have had ZERO postpartum break downs. With my own children I have to put up a good fight against the baby blues. I'm emotionally a mess, can't go a day without crying, and just have a hard time coping with motherhood. It's raw, it's not pretty, and I cannot control it. My hormones mixed with having a new person to take care of, sleepless nights and feeling like a dairy cow just do not mix well. After giving birth to Ana I was literally waiting for the crazy to flow. Like clockwork, after I brought my own babies home from the hospital I would immediately take a shower where I would cry my eyes out for a good hour. After coming home from delivering Ana, I stood there in anticipation of the flood. Nothing. Okay, maybe it would take a few days for the sadness to kick in. Nope, nothing. Every day I would question if I was a good person for dealing so well with something that seems so sad. Ana and I are no longer one person. I went through months of emotional preparation for this moment. I knew who I would call and sob to if needed, but I wasn't needing it. This may not seem like a big deal to people who do not know me personally, but I am an emotional and highly sentimental person. I still cry when watching Disney movies.

I think what has gotten me through this stage in the process are these three things:
1) Reminding myself daily that I helped create a family. Plain and simple. Sam and Ben now have their daughter. This is their moment, and my time to shine is over. Ana is the star now :) Seeing her parents absolutely obsess over her is the best. She is so loved.
2) I have been blessed to still have contact with them and see them as I recover. Sam and Ben are still local, and will be for the next few weeks. I've been able to snuggle on Ana and physically feel her little spirit. If I was not able to spend as much time with her after her birth as I have, I think I would be coping differently.
3) I have my life back. And not in a "they were cramping my style" kind of way at all, but more in the sense that I have my body back. I have my brain back. I have my "normal" life back. I'm not focused on calendars and science anymore. I'm able to focus on where my kids are in their life right now in this moment and get back to resuming a normal marriage with Timothy. He didn't complain one time, and I cannot thank him enough for helping me have an amazing journey.

So what now?
Well... I've completed my application to become a second time surrogate. Yep, I'm coming back this year for round two. I'm taking my time to recover and enjoy this season of my life, but I am definitely going to be a surrogate again. Will I blog about it again? We will see ;)